How to remember black and white photographs.

These days when I wake up from a night I forgot I just wish that I could replay it over and over in different locations. I want beaches and warm sand. Bonfires and woods, lakeside. I always want to be near water. Roman candles. Cheap beer. Hand packed spliffs. Remember when we used to pretend to smoke the actual grass beneath us? Remember when I was afraid of everything? Remember when I refused to lose control, and all I needed was a breather? Remember when I egged your bedroom window because you wouldn't answer my calls? And that bitch you were dating called me a slut? And you threw her against a table in the woodshop? And Coach K had to pull you apart and the whole class had to go back to making gum ball machines in silence and pretend that hadn't just happened? Because no one, Coach K included, could believe you just did that? Remember that temper that caused you to tell me you were putting a knife to your arms because I couldn't be your ragdoll anymore? Remember how I put you in therapy? Remember how we stopped speaking? Why do I get so nostalgic thinking about you when I know what a wreck you had become, and all the shit you put me through? How did we sort of become friends again? How come we fell apart again? Where are you and who makes your heart swell these days? Because it's not me. And that's fine. I'm entirely ok with that, officially. But do you remember who we were? Have you used that to make who you are now better? Was I a worthwhile stepping stone? Do you sit around a bonfire thinking about me? Did I hurt you too bad to feel nostalgic? [How can my heart think I am actually the one who hurt you? Why do my emotions betray the memories I know were true, and I was the one getting hurt all the time?] Am I a blank space in those memories? An empty blanket, an unopened beer, someone who may or may not have been there, it makes no difference to you?
I hope you think of me. I hope you only remember me in a sweet frame. I only remember you that way, and I know for sure I shouldn't. I guess I'll never learn.